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Tired of being a doormat?
If people treat you like a pushover all the time, read on for tips on how to get back control of your life
There is a difference between being an agreeable person who is
always there to lend a helping hand, and being someone who people walk over at
all times. Just because you can’t say ‘no’ to people, does not mean they have a
right to make you do things, by force or by manipulation. Are you the kind of
person who is always taking the blame for things going wrong? Do you always
agree to help, even though you don’t want to and even though you know the work
being given to you is actually someone else’s? If yes, then watch out because
people are starting to take you for granted and because you don’t say or do
anything about it, they treat you like a pushover.
So, if you feel you have been a bit of a pushover lately, read on for tips on
how to stop and overcome the problem:
BE EXPRESSIVE
The first step to stop being a pushover is to learn to express how you feel. If
you feel that you are being unfairly treated voice your opinion immediately. You
don’t have to break into a fight, you can put your feelings across in a mature
manner, without having to argue or fight. Of course, this is going to take time
and practice, so take it slowly. If for any reason you did not speak up on the
spot, then plan carefully how you will bring up the subject later. Discuss these
issues calmly, without accusations, and you will reduce your own tension and
gradually change how others perceive and treat you.
SAY NO
This is something you have to learn to do. It is not possible to make every
single person in your life happy at all times. Yes you might find it hard to say
‘no’, but think about it this way, if helping someone else or doing their work
for them is taking a toll on your physical and emotional well-being, then you
need to stop putting others’ interests before your own because you are the only
one who is going to suffer. So do what you can and then let people help
themselves.
PICK YOUR FIGHTS
Don’t practice your newfound assertiveness in a situation involving a crazed
driver, or you might become a road rage victim. In the same vein, think twice
before emphatically saying “no” to your boss. It might be career suicide.
Basically know when and where you can put your foot down and when you can’t.
SLOW AND STEADY
If you find it hard to stop being a push over with friends and family try it
with people who you are not so close to. You can start at the office or when you
are using public transport. Overcome your reluctance to put your needs first in
less familiar situations. After you have gained a little more confidence and
have learnt how to say ‘no’ then try it with people who you are close to. But,
remember to do it with grace and be clear about your intentions.
FIRM GROUND
In your confrontations, you always want to maintain a balanced reaction, subdued
yet steady. Clearly state what you want, need and expect. You don’t want to come
off looking like a psycho. You’re establishing a new behaviour pattern here, so
people will be caught off-guard. If they try to cajole you and insist that
you’re a pushover, don’t fall for emotional blackmail. If you don’t express
yourself, you cannot expect others to change how they relate to you. So be firm.
PERSISTENCE PAYS
You can’t stop being a pushover overnight; you need to remind yourself of your
new way of being over and over again. If friends and family do not understand
the sudden change in you, help them do so by explaining your feelings to them.
If they truly love and appreciate you they will understand, but don’t give up.
Keep trying and reinforcing your new self and eventually you will be more in
control of your life.
TRY CHANGE
As a last resort, change your circle of friends, end an unhealthy relationship
or find a new job. If you can’t get the respect you deserve from someone because
they persist in viewing you as a weakling, it’s a relationship not worth
pursuing.